Vent

I don't understand why I feel this way?
.... Like I love my boyfriend so much, but I'm attracted to other guys.
I mean, I know its normal to be attracted to other people---that's nature, that's life, that's reality...but if Dean said things about the girls he finds attractive, I would totally get jealous---and I do.
But with me, I can't help! I feel sometimes like my boyfriend is my boy-friend...and not like a lover...if that made sense.
I find myself attracted to an older guy--- (34 or 35 now) who knows...and for WHAT?
seriously.
its a little disturbing... and maybe something is wrong?
I just don't know.
I don't know what to do
my boyfriend is perfect...yet it seems as though I have a classic case of "It's greener on the other side..." This just can't be so?
I don't know what to do because I don't want to make the mistake of losing someone amazing---but I also don't want to make the mistake of not being able to meet new people---like what if's are happening in my mind again.
Seriously?
Its just more than usual I feel differently...but yet I feel the same.
I don't know what to do.
I'm confused...saddened and feel like I will lose altogether is whatever decision I make?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
It's so hard to say goodbye to someone that you care about the most, someone that makes you feel beautiful and special...but its also hard to feel restrained, and stuck, and not able to seek your interests in another.
ugh...
its hard.
I JUST CANNOT DECIDE.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
It seems as though I will have the biggest loss, either way.