My heart is doing flip flops

I can't seem to figure it out?
I love D but at the same time he can change my mood from happy to upset in a matter of minutes. When his maturity and romantic-ness fade away;I'll im left with is a 15 year old nagging little boy that says things he probably doesn't mean.
But still...
they hurt.
Should I let go or should I stay?
I've tried before, and its really hard to say goodbye to someone you've shared so much with.
It's hard-so hard...my heart is failing at this game.
It feels heavy and filled with sorrow, it feels as though a part of me will be gone and missing forever.
He's seen me through my worst, and my best, and has loved every inch of me every step of the way.
but for some reason I feel objectified and forgotten now..
I feel empty, and sad.
but I still love.
I see new things and new people, and new interests, but how fair is it to him to let it go on like that.
I don't know.
I just feel it hurting, and I hate the pain,
I hate the pain it brings to me... something unsual, and unsure.

It's like I'm stuck

I feel as though I am stuck.
But not really.
But I am.
I love my boyfriend, but at the same time I'm totally interested in someone else.
Do I know if he's interested in me?
nada.
but there's always a chance, and always a chance for a friendship.
But for my boyfriend, its not just this one guy, its the possibility of dating other guys---not just this one.
And I just feel stuck either way I go I'm hurting myself or my boyfriend, or being totally unsure.

Let's chat

Honestly, I'm getting frustrated. I don't mean to brag but I'm considered one of the best employees @ my work. I have been told this nuremous times by my store manager and managers, but now my hours are being cut. Everyone's hours are being cut. I can only work weekends though, so its really hard being cut down. I really just have to begin to look for something else, I guess..
I thought I was doing well with selling and complimenting the customer, and yeah...I guess not really.
I try, and I really think everyone tries to do their best.
I thought I did an excellent job today, but who knows.
Its hard to get people to buy more than what they are looking for.
If we don't make money, we don't get hours.
thats just that.
And I'm so not loving it.
I was happy with the 10 hours a week making @ least 200 for 2 weeks worth of work...but now pay checks are slowly fumbling.
and the worst part is no sales associate or manager got a raise @ their year month...so I should have received an increase in July, but nope...
its sad, and I just wish I could find something else, but i Love everyone @ work and I do enjoy my store, and the persk it does offer, however being cut down to 7 hours a week is not a good thing...nor enjoyable. Even if work is boring, tiring and time consuming the money is still needed.
I just think I should start appreciating it more.
I will try.
:)

Confessions of a Shopalcholic

Need I say more?
I've probably dropped over $ 200 in the last 48 hours.
Lets see:
Costume that I won't be wearing - $25 -plus side- dean may be able to exchange for something he wants ( i put it on my credit card so I have time to pay it... I totally just need something to justify my spending)
Hot rollers -$51 -that I actually returned and now have store credit @ westside beauty...which is a good thing cause they have the nice shampoo and hair products I might need, plus a ceramic curler iron 1 1/2 inch. barrel.
Halloween Costume (Indian style) $65 but Dean split with me he paid 30 and I paid 40 so...that's nice.
Facial treatment - 95 dollars but I split the transaction so I paid 35 in cash (20 from mom :) ) and 60 on debit.
shit.
and don't forget I'm a spender a loyal one indeed
I dropped 21 on a cute flannel @ work today (orignal 42 i think) I get 50 percent off...
so there you go. (I also put that on credit)
well if you add it all up its over 200 but I did credit on some and cash on others, and really I still have that 51 from the beauty supply store...so really I guess I'm not all that bad after all.
:)
I will be saving 1/2 of my paycheck from now on (totally crossed my fingers on that one ;) )
but seriously I am thinking of getting a gym membership if i can get it for cheap so that will be 95 + 30= 125 a month for a spa treatment and fitness...
we'll seee.
:)

weekend madness

So this weekend was pretty busy, just like last weekend.
lets see the Monte Fireworks happened, and Marisa Miller and Matthew McConaughey were there to host it! it was really cool! Chelsea and I got to be in the front row, as usual...and that was really awesome!
No Kanye West though...nothing unsual about that.
I also had to work this weekend, and that was just tiring. I did pick up a cute striped gray and creme colored sweater from work, its comfy and cute. Also picked up a gray cami with lace trim, and it was on sale at A&E for like 10 bucks, not bad. Shopping always cures the uncertainity. Well lets see, finished up my article for the paper that comes out on Monday... it was about the fashion show that happened last weekend downtown. It was a really exciting event.
Journalism is much different than English or essay writing. Paragraphs can be one sentence, and quotes can be their own paragraph...so not the same w/English papers.
Kind of difficult to get used to.
Anyways that's all for now!
xoxo

Do do do

My long and busy weekend is pretty much calming down---minus work, which is always pretty much drama filled.
Well lets see my busy week started off with a trip to the county fair on Tuesday with Dean and Ryan. On Wed. Dean and I had to pick his tux up for the wedding that was on Friday.
On Thurs. we had dinner with Jan and Fran pretty much my aunt and uncle. We stayed there until 11pm...we were super tired. Then I found out I was called into work on Friday for a meeting because of 'drama' that's happening. I didn't know about any of it, so I was like what is going on. So Friday morning came, and I didn't have to go into work, but then I had to get ready for a wedding that afternoon. Now its Saturday, work today and work all day tomorrow--plus homework.
Anyways my first article for the school paper is in our website and will be in our first printed issue. Check it out at www.thecabrillovoice.com -under music, its about Pepper (my favorite band of course) lol.
Anyways I had a lot going on this week so I feel bad that I couldn't really help out with the newspaper layout, but that's okay, next time for sure.
Well lets see what else is going on...
We had a guest speaker in ECE - a midwife, and lets just say it was intense, and one sided.
I don't about having a baby, doesn't seem fun AT ALL.
LOL.
well anyways I got to go, I totally miss Dean, but nothing is new there.
LOVES.

All about Hair

So I recently just got my hair re-colored and trimmed. I feel as though it is short, I want it to be down to my boobs are a bit past it....and its past my shoulders right now...but not a lot. My hair is definately feeling healthier. I have been trying not to straighten my hair ---so far so good. Its been since Tuesday. I am trying to not straighten my hair for a whole month!!! I might have to for a wedding in two weeks, but that's understandable. So far though, its been fine. I mostly put my hair up anyways half way through the day or whatever, especially when it's hot. I have also been conditioning and deep conditioning my hair. I have washed my hair day and night, just to fade my color a bit---since I decided it I like it at a light brown hair with a few golden blonde streaks coming through. Anyways, I think I will be purchasing some hair extensions in the following days to come. I hope so! I really want them for the wedding---and if I do get them then I won't need to straighten my hair for the wedding, just curl the fake hair since my hair is naturally wavy!
It will be so great!
well I got to go !!! :)